


Alternian Society And Culture, And Your Place In It: A Schoolfeed

by CelticPhoenix



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternia can be a hell hole, Alternia-Focused, Alternian Empire, Character Study - Alternia, Emphasis on "can be", Genocide, Textbook style, headcanons, military culture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-19 14:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2391785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelticPhoenix/pseuds/CelticPhoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An educational guide for all those of nine sweeps of age and younger, on the workings of the empire, and how you too can serve your Empress!</p><p>(Basically just all my headcanons about what Alternia was like, in story form. May contain scenes of a disturbingly possible nature.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One: Trials, Introductions, and Bias

The text was old. How old was uncertain, but old nonetheless. Even the Empress herself remembered reading it as a wriggler. There had been many revisions since then, of course, as there would always be every time a new empress was chosen, but the core material was always there, always the same in different words. Always teaching the ways of the Empire. Starting with...

 

 

_Introduction_  
_Written by Tavrin Callas, violet-blood and Head Librarindoctrinator of Alternia, in the 794678th sweep of Her Condescension's reign._

_Hello. If you are reading this, then you have survived your trials and have been chosen by a lusus. In which case, Congratulations! Only about three-quarters of all grubs born survive the birthing process, and only a tenth of those survivors survive the trials, on average. If you have, this means that you have the qualities that the Empire wants you to have. Don't get too excited however, as you still have another nine sweeps to prove that you are a troll that the Empire needs, and only then can you venture off Alternia, and see what the rest of the Empire, totalling thirty-six galaxies at time of publication, has to offer._

_So please, read this guide to the workings of the world, and go forth to the stars, in service to Her Imperious Condescension and for the glory of the Alternian Empire!_  
~~~~~~~~~

I woke up in an enclosed space, extremely tightly packed, and began to panic. My limbs, all six of them, began writhing frantically, trying to break out of whatever I was in.

  
The egg cracked, and I emerged, sopping wet from the nutrient soup naturally provided. I was in a cave, that much was clear, and around me there were a few thousand other eggs. Some of them had hatched like me, but others seemed not to have. Others still obviously had, but had been impaled on sharp bits of egg. That paricular sight was horrifying, and I counted myself lucky that I had not shared their fate.

  
It was at this moment that I heard a stange pull, guiding me towards an opening in the cave wall. It was just a gentle pull at first, but when I tried to resist, it quickly became over-powering. Crawling through the door I could see that there were many more grubs like me, as well as several large, white creatures, though each of those seemed to be tinged with another colour. One of them, a brown tinged two-headed giant, was crackling with a strange energy that I realised was what I had been drawn to. It stopped, and was replaced by a voice. It didn't exactly speak, but I knew what it meant anyway.

  
It told us all of the Trials, and we could feel the capitalisation. We would have to complete them, and then we would be free to go. Many, it said, would die, but they would go on to feed the next generation of eggs, as nutrients. Strangely, unlike my reaction to the sight of the dead before, now I didn't seem to feel anything towards that whatsoever.

  
We were all led towards another opening, and ushered through. We could see, at the other end of a vast cavern, a third opening, that seemed to radiate light, though I had no idea where it came from. The cavern was longer than it was deep, though it was both. Suddenly we were all falling, and I was nearly crushed. Unlike me, many were, and it was their bodies which saved me. Again, I noticed, I didn't really care.

  
It was a lengthy trip. Traversing the caverns took in all, I would later estimate, about a perigree, and that without any food or water. I had to make do with what I could find, mostly the dead bodies of those who were less fortunate than me. I eventually made it to the other side, and noticed the light from the opening seemed softer, less blinding, than when I had seen it from the other side. I'm not exactly sure what happened next. One second I was in the opening, ready to walk forward and see what was through it, and the next I was in a bed. Interestingly, I now knew the word bed, as well as a lot of other ones. I'd also seemed to have lost a few limbs, and my remaining ones had changed dramatically. I got up.

  
Then I fell down, having never walked before, and had to pick myself up, quite arkwardly. I saw a small table in the center of the room, with some things on it. on it. On closer inspection, they were a small shirt, with a weird violet design on it, some pants, some socks and shoes, and a book. I put the clothes on, not remembering how or when I learned how to, and started to read.

  
_Introduction_  
_Written by Tavrin Callas, violet-blood and Head Librarindoctrinator of Alternia, in the 794678th sweep of Her Condescension's reign._

 

  
_Hello. If you are reading this, then you have survived your trials and have been chosen by a lusus. In which case, Congratulations! Only about three-quarters of all grubs born survive the birthing process, and only a tenth of those survivors survive the trials, on average. If you have, this means that you have the qualities that the Empire wants you to have. Don't get too excited however, as you still have another nine sweeps to prove that you are a troll that the Empire needs, and only then can you venture off Alternia, and see what the rest of the Empire, totalling thirty-six galaxies at time of publication, has to offer._  
_So please, read this guide to the workings of the world, and go forth to the stars, in service to Her Imperious Condescension and for the glory of the Alternian Empire!_

  
Well. That wasn't the least bit disturbing. Only one in ten survived? I counted myself even luckier than I already had, and kept reading _._

_Chapter One: On The Hemospectrum, and Caste Dynamics_

  
_The hemospectrum is vital to the workings of the empire. It separates the low-blooded (rust to blue/purple) land trolls from their sea-dwelling (Purple/Violet and Fuschia) betters, for a myriad of reasons. Firstly, age. A rust would be lucky to see thirty sweeps, while a violet would be considered young at three hundred, and Her Imperious Condescension (Praise her, may all her subjects die for her if commanded, may all her enemies do so too, for She is the light of our Empire) is functionally immortal._

  
_Secondly, worth. A violet for example, being a seadweller and thus nobility, is worth more than any below them on the hemospectrum, simply because they are. This is partly because of their superior genetics, extended lifespan, and extreme physical resistance, but is also brought about by the lower bloods being inherently worthless, albiet gaining more worth the higher they are. That is not to say, however, that a lowblood cannot attain worth. The Threshecutioners, our military's elite fighting force, are made up of all bloods, based solely on merit. The Cavalreapers are chosen solely from browns because of the curious prevalence of psychic communers among them. These glorious military services are vital to the growth and stability of our Empire (May it last forever)._

  
_These, among many others, are the reasons why the hemospectrum is an integral part of our society. If you are a lowblood, please try your hardest to please your betters. If you are a highblood, please look after your lowbloods, as they are expensive to replace, due to the fact that most are in service to her Imperious Condescension (May she rule forever, until the end of days in this world)._

  
_As you go out into the world, be aware of your place in society, and act accordingly. Thus you can serve your Queen and Empire (May they last forever, and end as one)._

  
Well then. Looking at my shirt, I guessed that I'm a violet. I looked around the room, seeing that it was bare except for the bed and table, and a door on the wall in front of me. I walked over to it, still holding the book, and touched it. It opened with a mechanical groan, though once again I could not identify how I knew that. Outside was a hallway, which I was at the end of. It seemed to be a habit, I mused, to be at the end of long tunnels. I crept out of my room, noting my sign on the door as it closed behind me, and wandered down until I saw another door, with a plaque saying "Canteen". I opened it, and walked through.  
Canteen. I knew the word, though I wasn't sure how. I went through the door, and down the hall in front of me, and was greeted with a sea of... Trolls, thats what we are called.

  
Clutching the book, I went and took a seat by myself. Across the hall I could see a riot starting, a group of psionic mustards taking on a purple. Other trolls were sitting on the sidelines, cheering and booing. One of the mustards got his skull crushed in, and the rest gave up. I got the feeling it wasn't exactly going to be uncommon.

  
I decided to keep reading.

  
_Chapter Two: Why You're Here_

  
_If you're still reading this, well done! You were hatched a blue-blood or higher._

  
_You're here because the Empress (May her reign last till Gl'bogolyb Vast Glub) wishes for her grand species to have officers and noble within it's ranks. The peasantry need a forceful guiding hand, after all!_

  
_You have been given boons by your blood, and it is up to you to use them to further the Empire (May it never fall)._

  
_How you do it is up to you. Culling peasants is an effective way to keep order, but don't kill to_ _o many; you'll need servants once you come of age and leave the planet to join the fleet._

  
_Another way is to join one of the many special regiments there are for the better trolls in society. While the Threshecutioners may accept just anyone, the Orphaners are far more discerning, only sea-dwelling trolls meeting the requirements. Or the Laughsassins, a group of chucklevoodoo using purple-bloods. Find the regiment that is right for you, and you will be doing a service to your Empire!_

  
Ok. That was interesting. The book was all for the threshecutioners last chapter.

  
I'm beginning to think this book might be a bit biased.


	2. Two: Career Opportunities, Pitch Romantic Leads and Houses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet the main romantic lead of our story, and learn about varying careers suitable for our protagonist.

I continued to read the second chapter, and felt myself being more and more disturbed at the society I found myself a part of.

  
_Another way is to join one of the many special regiments there are for the better trolls in society. While the Threshecutioners may accept just anyone, the Orphaners are far more discerning, only sea-dwelling trolls meeting the requirements. Or the Laughsassins, a group of chucklevoodoo using purple-bloods. Find the regiment that is right for you, and you will be doing a service to your Empire!_

  
_Now, admittedly the Threshecutioners are all highly skilled, but the glory of the noble Archeradicators cannot be understated. Using their sublime weapons, the bow and arrow, (and more recently various models of rifle, particularly sniping weapons), they support all other regiments with aerial fire, and they remove threats to the Empire, without and within!_

  
_While the Cavalreapers are formidable on the battlefield, certainly, one can never deny the beauty and grace with which the Ruffianhialators destroy their opponents in glorious melee combat._

  
_And the psionics of the lower castes definitely provide challenge in using them for sport, as their worth would show them good for, the power of the chucklevoodoos is far greater still, second only to our Imperious Condescension herself (May her mind flay her enemies slowly and painfully, as she desires)._

  
Well, that was a thing. I heard movement behind me, my gills feeling a brush of air. I turned, and saw a vision of beauty. Her hair (which I noticed we all seemed to have, despite havng pupated, [was that the word?] scant hours ago), reached down past her shoulders, her horns shone in the artificial lights of the hall, and her fingers curled into a fist were perfectly manicured as they sailed towards my face.

  
"Oi, bookworm!" She shouted at me. "I've been trying to call you over for the last five minutes!"

  
"Sorry," I spat out, "I was fucking reading." I wasn't sure why I was swearing, but it felt sort of natural.

  
"Oh, well excu~se me, then, fishboy. I'm sooo sorry for interrupting your reading, your highness." She said all this with the most sickly-sweet smile on her face, an obviously practised gesture. I wondered how long she'd been here to get it right so perfectly. It couldn't just be natural. "It's a piece of shit book, anyway. But I bet you just looove it, don't you, Sir Violet of Arsetown?" She had a thing for elongating her vowels, which I found in turns annoying and alluring. The fact that I found it attractive at all just further cemented the annoyance, of course.

"Not really, for your information. It's biased crap that contains little of what it claims to be providing: Fucking information! And, for the record, I really don't give a crap about it, but I don't give a crap about any of you fuckers either!" I wasn't sure why I was so angry, it didn't quite seem ME, but I was nonetheless. It was mildly disconcerting, but enjoyable, somehow. "And you should know, if you're going to insult me like that, that my name is-" I stopped. What was my name? What was a name? Was I having an existential crisis? What was me? What was I? What was...

"You don't know either, huh?" She cut off my internal rambling. "Yeah, none of us do yet. Get used to it." She scoffed. "You'd think that a highblood like you'd have been told when they woke up, but no! You've got to suffer like the rest of us squidlord."

This was interesting. She'd seemed a lot smaller when she'd said that first part. Almost... meek. That pissed me off more, especially since she'd gotten over it so quickly, and gone back to insulting me. What was it with all this anger anyways?

Suddenly a voice boomed out through the hall, and from a doorway at the end of it an adult troll, I couldn't figure out whether they were male or female, emerged.

"Young trolls! Some of you have been here for a perigree. Some have only just awoken. You all now will be taken by your lusus to the surface, where you will be given temporary control of the constructor bots that the Empress has, in her great wisdom, left for you here on the homeworld." Wow. Even the voice was androgynous. But that meant that my acquaintance had only been here for a perigree at the most, which seemed to be useful information.

"Well, it looks like we'll have to continue this on the surface." She said.

"It does, doesn't it?" I said.

"Yeah, well, I'll see you there, won't I? If you're lucky, maybe you'll see me too. Don't count on it." I would. "I'll be in the coastal plains, if you want to have your thinkpan splattered on the floor." Looking at her shirt, I saw that she was blue, so that made sense.

"I'll be on the coast, or an island. Depends what takes my fancy."

"I bet. You're gonna be spoiled rotten, princess."

"We'll see." From what the book said, I had a feeling she was right, but I wasn't going to mention that.


End file.
